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The week before I was diagnosed with cancer, God very clearly gave me this Bible passage:
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit”
(Jeremiah 17:7-8, NIV).
I was a bit baffled because I started experiencing significant health issues this year—I went from loving my sprint workouts to no longer being able to walk in a matter of months—but it didn’t feel like a full-on drought like these verses referred to. It was very clear from God though, so I listened to it over and over and wrote it down in my journal.
A week later, the ER doc came to my hospital bed with the news that scans showed lesions along my spine and pelvis:
“It’s either cancer or multiple myeloma.”
“What’s multiple myeloma?”
“Cancer”
“So it’s either cancer or cancer?”
“More than likely, yes.” (Clarity is kindness.)
Thinking back to the wheelchair ride down my local hospital hallway from the ER to the oncology department still brings me to tears. I sat stunned while they drew blood for testing. I sat stunned while we waited for my new best friend, my oncologist. I sat stunned while he told me things I was never going to remember about the lesions my scans revealed.
NOW it felt like a drought.
In college I read a poem that I can’t find now. I think it was by Adrienne Rich and there was a great line that went something like this: “To have some stay in this life that cannot be moved is irr/im-something.” For me, to have some Stay in this life that sees me and has me when the rug has been pulled out from under me—and makes sure to remind me of that very specifically so that it’s cemented in my mind right when I needed it…there are no words for that. What a gift to have those verses waiting for me when the drought hit.
I came home from the hospital, went straight to bed, and curled up in the fetal position where I stayed for the rest of the day. The next month was a flurry of tests, hospital visits, throwing up the new heavy duty pain pills, and throwing up the contrast from the CTs and petscan. My pain was horrible and we couldn’t get it under control. I still couldn’t walk of course. I used a walker to get around the house which I rarely left except for the endless appointments. Physically I was not doing well. But having those promises from God kept my spirits sky high.
For me, to have some Stay in this life that sees me and has me when the rug has been pulled out from under me…there are no words for that.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit”
(Jeremiah 17:7-8).
My cancer is incurable and terminal. The myeloma specialist I met with in Cincinnati said he could get me 10 years with the medicines we have now and we hope for more new medicines to be developed in the meantime to keep us myeloma patients going. Another stunned moment for me. He kind of said it like it was good news. “But I have a 3 year old,” I told him. “Ten years is not good.” I kept waiting for him to give me some caveats. He did not. It freaked me out. I told my new friend Margot about it and she said something that is now hanging on my wall: “Your diagnosis is NOT the boss of your prognosis. The One who made you and called you and loves you is the Boss of you.”
But my kids. I am so worried about how it will impact them if I die young. As I’m writing this, it strikes me that God will carry them in their drought if they lose their mom. I’ve always felt I was born to be an old woman. That all of this is just practice. Maybe I was wrong. I hope I was right. But regardless of what comes or doesn’t come in the future, I am so grateful to God for these promises for me in this time, in this drought. I come back to them often. My friend Heather sent me a print with the passage that is hanging on my wall, the centerpiece among all the beautiful cards that so many dear people have sent me. I hold onto these promises for me in this drought knowing that our good God is holding onto me.
“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,
whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit”
(Jeremiah 17:7-8).
Sarah writes to equip people for the everyday work of justice. She loves meeting new people, hiking, scuba diving, the cozy warm blankets they have at hospitals, and flower farms. You can find her at justicedriver.com, Substack:
, and Instagram.
Amen and Amen! Thank you for sharing your testimony and the reason for your hope! We are called to give the reason when asked and you have done so most eloquently. God is so good and so faithful! It is true that with God, all things are possible.
Oh Sarah. Thank you for sharing your soul here. God's promise to you is a beautiful one - true and irrevocable. Cling to it, and let no one take it. Our night at the article writing gathering in Grand Rapids still brings me many smiles. You are a light.