The gaze of my beloved
Staying connected with the one who calms our soul
The following essay is the third reflection for our March focus on the spiritual practice of Fasting. Read more here about our exploration of the spiritual disciplines in 2025 through creative and reflective writing.
My no-media fast began in 2019. I started feeling conviction over a cartoon I frequently watched. There were mild curse words, sexual innuendos, and other questionable content I knew I shouldn’t laugh at, but I didn’t want to give up this form of entertainment. What really made me uncomfortable is that one of the characters would often reduce God’s name to a casual expression of exasperation. After a few weeks of mental back-and-forth, I decided to stop watching the show entirely. I immediately felt a sense of peace with my decision. However, I soon started feeling conviction over another movie series!
I noticed that certain popular movies were becoming more graphic with their violence as well as cursing more frequently; they almost always had at least one instance of cursing God’s name. Hearing these curses would always make me wince, but I would keep watching because they only misused God’s name once. Or twice. Surely, if I kept watching the show, it would “get better.” After one such instance, God asked me if the show brought Him honor. Well, no. In fact, it directly dishonors you, especially when they curse your name. His response was blunt but gentle, Then why are you okay watching something that dishonors me?
Ultimately, a fear of missing out is what drove me to keep watching those movies even when I knew God was asking me to look away. If I gave up these movies, I would miss the fun! I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a night at the movies with my friends and family! I wouldn’t understand the jokes and memes on social media! Lord, what am I going to lose if I walk away from this? I’ll be on the outside looking in!
Matthew 16:26 came to mind, which says, “For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?” While choosing to watch these movies wasn’t a matter of salvation, I knew God was inviting me into something greater than they could offer.
Politically at odds
Leading up to the 2020 election, I was torn. I kept sensing in my spirit that God didn’t want me to look at what was happening politically—in fact, I sensed that He was telling me to keep my gaze turned away at all costs. Yet, in my own personal circle, I was surrounded by Christians who were doing the exact opposite. They frequently listened to political podcasts, tuned into their favorite news station, and constantly criticized their political opposite. None of these devout men and women of faith were looking away. My sense of conflict also came from Christians that seemed to be on the frontlines—public theologians and activists wading through political turmoil. They offered encouragement, insightful direction, and hope to those of us unsure how to navigate the political terrain. God, surely their voices are needed. Would you have some look away and not others?
By the time 2024 rolled around, I had already decided to be unwavering in my avoidance of all things political and had set firm boundaries with family members and friends. While I couldn’t hold others to the same convictions God had given me personally, I could still say “yes” to where God was directing my gaze. I stopped watching the news and avoided anything related to politics. In September of that year, I felt God calling me to step away from streaming services and YouTube as well. I was in the midst of writing my debut poetry collection, and numbing out to online videos was hindering my creativity and ability to hear from God. By October, social media was also added to my fasting list because there was no way to avoid the political chaos.
What happened from that point forward was beautiful. My creativity flourished as I fell back in love with reading. Instead of online shows, I filled my free time with words that nourished my starved imagination. During the height of the election, peace insulated me as I stayed fixated on God’s voice and His words of affirmation. While my interactions revealed people that were understandably wrought with fear, worry, and heaviness, I had no framework for what they were experiencing because my eyes were locked with something—Someone—else.
Fasting with humility
In Matthew 6:1-18, Jesus instructs the disciples on how to engage with prayer and fasting without religious pride. “But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, so that it will not be obvious to others that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:17-18).
While we shouldn’t seek validation from others by making a production of our fasting, we should walk in the freedom of sharing our fasting testimonies with others. Hearing how God met us and moved mightily in our lives is a source of encouragement and a catalyst for others.
A spirit of offense may try to say that the person is showboating. Or a spirit of condemnation may try to belittle the pace of our spiritual walk. God’s heart is in neither of these. His heart’s desire is for each of us to say “yes” to whatever He’s requested of us personally.
Resting with our Savior
Wow, God. 2024 is about to be over. That means I can start watching movies again! These thoughts came with a hint of sadness. I enjoyed the peace I experienced when fasting from news and social media. I loved how the books I read, fiction or nonfiction, spoke spiritually to my life and helped my creativity thrive. The thought crossed my mind that I should keep up the fast for all of 2025. I could do that, but, oh! What about The Chosen? That’s a show that encourages me to draw closer to You and meditate on Your life. I could make an exception for that, right? And again, the gentle response, what if I asked you to give up The Chosen, too? I didn’t hesitate to tell Him “yes.” And the saturation of peace that filled my being afterwards is a moment I’ll savor all year.
Stay with me, Beloved
stay with me.
Your heart cries,
“Yeshua, stay with me!”
But you’re the one
who always looks away,
the one whose eyes
break away from mine,
enchanted with the chaos
that has an end,
until the song I sing over you captures
your attention again
and again you turn
your eyes towards me.
And my heart leaps to behold
the gaze of my Beloved
because being one with you
is all I’ve ever wanted.
Joylanda Jamison is a poet, editor, photographer, and plant enthusiast tucked within the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. Chat with her on Instagram @itsjoylanda.
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